Li’l Update:
I was on Kari Selander’s podcast MuthaLife, and we had a really enjoyable chat about parenting, how it’s going, how I met my partner and why I think motherhood is the same as DJ’ing. Take a listen! And follow Kari’s Substack and Instagram for unfiltered, certified witty and real takes on daily life as a mutha.
Okay now big update:
Hi, it’s my birthday month. I turned 40, the start of a new decade! FUCK YEAH! I’ve been very stoked on this milestone, particularly because the past decade has been full of unexpected plot twists, turns, highs, lows, lessons - and somehow I’ve survived with a clean bill of health and relatively clear skin to talk about it! Hey! Pretty cool! I’d say that’s something to be proud of.
I’ve also spent the last 5 or so years intensely working on myself through therapy. Getting to know myself more deeply, building a personal philosophy, constructing a solid framework of my internal world, all with which to navigate the external world.
And so now I’m 40, and feeling fucking good. Life is far from perfect, but I feel at peace with myself on the inside and I credit that to a few key breakthroughs I made in my 30’s.
Wanted to take a moment to share them:
I’m not for everyone. I grew up a people pleaser and it would just gut me to disappoint or, god forbid, be disagreeable. I spent a lot of my young energy bending and shrinking and compromising my opinions to make sure that everyone approved of me always. And that kind of self inflicted pressure. is. exhausting. I’ve worked on shedding that idea, and as a result I have reached a place internally where I don’t care about fitting into some sort of template of cool or being universally loved, I sort of just am, and I’ve accepted that may not be a fit with everyone and not everyone is a fit with me. And that doesn’t make me a bad person! Big exhale! Literally this realization alone frees up so much headspace and relieves so much anxiety.
I am not what I do. I am Samantha and I am not defined by my resumé but by personal qualities like honest, sincere, funny, creative, intelligent, dignified. That no matter what I DO with my life, I will always BE these traits. Seems like a no-brainer right? Um not over here. This one was hard. Especially living in a world of verified blue checks, and having a career that is based on me being me or a persona of me (think Beyonce vs. Sasha Fierce.) It was difficult to discern my professional life from my personal life, what parts overlap and what parts are mutually exclusive, what parts I share with the public and what I keep private. Also hard not to equate professional busy-ness with personal self worth! This took a lot of therapy and deep soul searching to learn me and my qualities separate from my professional alter ego “SOSUPERSAM.”
Friendship with myself. And then once I met my true self, I worked a lot on my friendship with myself. I realized my internal dialogue was very harsh and unkind. I started to be a more encouraging and supportive friend, coach, and mentor to myself, and that has made a world of difference in the way I solve problems and overcome daily challenges. Kindness is an important part of friendship, and the second major prong is trust. I don’t second guess myself much these days. I have become more trusting of myself, my instincts, my competence, my resilience.
Perfect ain’t perfect. A huge part of building this relationship with myself was accepting that I am not perfect. As an overachieving Virgo, this concept seemed offensive and absolutely unacceptable. Over time I have come around to this idea that I am a fallible human trying my best, and literally so is everyone else. Which has in turn given me a lot of grace and patience for myself and others. I embrace failures and am motivated by them. Growth mindset yall! There is beauty and texture in our shortcomings, our mistakes, it’s all part of learning. And learning is the bloodline for living.
Inner Peace > Happiness. I used to chase this idea of happiness. “I just want to be happy! I want to find happiness!” I’ve come to learn that happiness is sort of a mirage, an ephemeral feeling, a blip in time. And that’s perhaps a misguided goal. Happiness is difficult to attain and even more difficult to sustain. I changed course to seek out inner peace. Inner peace can be achieved through a deep sense of self knowing and a self acceptance. You can be calm and peaceful inside on even the most unhappy of days. And it is possible to protect your inner peace from outer chaos.
Boundaries and Personal Policies. I can protect my inner peace from outer chaos through boundaries. Much of the aforementioned work was happening on the inside, and inevitably the framework inside began to inform the way I interacted with the external world. In order to uphold my sense of self and my health and inner peace, I’d need to set some boundaries and personal policies with those around me. In practice this looks like anything from unfollowing social media accounts that do not serve me, to letting go of people that are emotionally draining or toxic, to altering my work and social calendars to ensure that I get quality family time, optimal sleep each night, and optimal exercise each week.
It’s okay to take a break. I was the poster child for FOMO. Mostly for work. As a freelancer I never turned down a job opportunity, even if it meant losing sleep, missing family birthdays, friends’ weddings, holidays. I had an irrational fear that if I took a day off, I’d somehow never work or get an opportunity again. So by that measure, I sure as hell wasn’t taking vacations either. I carried on like this for years. YEARS! I was a burnt out tweaker, never quite refilling my cup, experiencing life at a fast pace but on an empty tank. Looking back, that was quite a ride, and I probably could have taken a few time outs and still accomplish as much as I did.
Ask for help. Perhaps being a short, minority female in this society had built this Alpha female chip on my shoulder that I need to do everything myself in order to prove I am competent and strong. And so I frowned upon the thought of ever asking anyone for help. I’d run myself into the ground before ever making a phone call or delegating. Worn out by this philosophy over time, I learned that asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak. In fact so much joy and success can be accessed by forming a team and accomplishing missions collaboratively!
Life is short. Everything is temporary, so wherever you are, be there. Be present where you are. If you have a new idea, go for it. If you’re struggling, enjoy the struggle. If you’re peaking, enjoy the peak. If you’re starting something new, enjoy the awkward newness. Every part of the process has highlights and challenges, appreciate the highlights and accept the challenges.
Life is long. I spent many years anxious about who I needed to become, what my skill would be, how I would define my end all, be all, life’s work. I felt like I needed answers at 25. Then at 30. Then at 35. Surely by 35 I would arrive at who I would be for the rest of my life. I’ve learned that life has many chapters, many seasons, many eras. There is no need for life-defining answers, because life continues to unfold. Now I see that I’m in a constant state of learning and growing. And at 40, there is still so much to explore, learn, and discover. It’s possible that have life-defining hobbies that I haven’t even started yet! It’s a fucking cool idea to think I’m ever-forming, and that perhaps the best and most exciting years of my life are still ahead of me, waiting for me.
To summarize, the difference between 40 and 30 is that I GIVE APPROXIMATELY ZERO FUCKS ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF ME, AND I STAY DEEPLY TUNED IN TO WHAT I THINK OF ME.
AHHHH THE FEELING ON THE FOURTH FLOOR IS PEACEFUL AND GLORIOUS!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ME!
Report back soon,
Sam
PS - Coming up on The Sam Report, new notes from the field:
Details from my Birthday Dinner
Big Kid Bed Transition
Preschool Lunchboxes
I love love love your content! Super inspiring and totally relatable. Thanks for sharing and letting the rest of us witness all the eras of SOSUPERSAM 🫶🏼
Congratulations! Loved your mixtapes back in the day